Tag Archives: manners

Mar 17 2013

how to prevent rudeness

 

Let’s say your task is to try to convey to someone the essence of all that it means to practice civility. If it helps get you  into the frame of mind, by all means, imagine a specific scenario you could find yourself in.

It could be that you’re a parent and you’re teaching your child something of manners. Perhaps the “someone” is yourself and you’re trying to become far more deliberate in your habits of behavior toward others, perhaps even toward your aging parents. Or maybe you have a friend who has come to you for your counsel on how they can get along better with others with whom they have a difficult relationship at home or at work.

Now this is vital. You want to word your advice concisely and clearly so the person can grasp it and perhaps even remember it for a very long time to come. What all would you say, and how would you say it all in, let’s say, fifty words or less?

In a fine work entitled The Civility Solution, the author, P.M. Forni does something just like that as he offers us all “eight rules for a civil life” toward “preventing rudeness” (pp. 28-44) I reproduce them below for your careful reflection. I’ve taken the liberty of adding to them eight passages written by the apostle Paul, a man who, like the rest of us, had to learn what it meant to be civil. Each of these texts came to my mind as I read each of Forni’s rules.

May God lead me, and all of us, more and more toward a civil life, I pray.

1. Slow down and be present in your life.

“… be careful to live your life wisely, not foolishly. Take advantage of every opportunity …” (Ephesians 5.15-16a)

2. Listen to the voice of empathy.

“… as God’s choice, holy and loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” (Colossians 3.12)

3. Keep a positive attitude.

“… brothers and sisters, if anything is excellent and if anything is admirable, focus your thoughts on these things: all that is true, all that is holy, all that is just, all that is pure, all that is lovely, and all that is worthy of praise.” (Philippians 4.8)

4. Respect others and grant them plenty of validation.

“Brothers and sisters, we ask you to respect those who are working with you …” (1 Thessalonians 5.12)

5. Disagree graciously and refrain from arguing.

“Avoid foolish and thoughtless discussions, since you know that they produce conflicts. God’s slave shouldn’t be argumentative but should be kind toward all people, able to teach, patient …” (2 Timothy 2.23-25a)

6. Get to know the people around you.

“We were glad to share not only God’s good news with you but also our very lives because we cared for you so much.” (1 Thessalonians 2.8)

7. Pay attention to the small things.

“Say hello to each other with a holy kiss.” (Romans 16.16)

8. Ask, don’t tell.

“… brothers and sisters, we ask and encourage you in the Lord Jesus to … do better in how you live and please God …” (1 Thessalonians 4.1)

Nov 25 2012

it’s time to be civil (34)

 

# 24. Don’t shift responsibility and blame. We are all familiar with the drill: Somebody at fault will try to minimise his or her responsibility by blaming someone else – quite often the wronged party. Thus the main characteristics of this exercise in rudeness are obfuscation and unfairness. …

… I simply cannot conceive of any circumstances in our own daily lives when it would be appropriate or advantageous to be rude or boorish. The powerful combination of self-respect and respect for others should make it almost impossible for us to choose incivility, if we manage to remain clearheaded even in challenging situations.

But what if we are dealing with somebody whom we don’t respect or who says or does something we believe to be wrong? The answer is simple: let’s not lose sight of our own standards of behavior, of our own rules of engagement. It is possible to be civil and true to one’s beliefs at the same time.

Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct by P.M. Forni (St. Martin’s Press, 2002); pp. 152,157

Nov 24 2012

it’s time to be civil (33)

 

 # 23. Respect the environment and be gentle to animals. … When we speak of a decline in civility, we usually refer to a crisis regarding established forms of concern, respect, and deference. As we do so, we tend to ignore new forms that take the place of old ones. Maybe the number of youngsters holding onto their bus seats while pregnant women and elderly gentlemen are precariously swaying in the aisle is on the rise. But then so, I believe, is the number of those who treat members of racial minorities with genuine respect. I am not saying that the advances in new civility should make us forget what we are losing. … What I am suggesting is that we don’t forget that the decline is not cutting across-the-board. It may be hard to believe, but in certain areas of our everyday behavior we are becoming more civil rather than less. A shining example of new civility is the remarkably serious commitment to the cause of the environment on the part of an extraordinary number of people from all walks of life.

An age-old component of humanity’s relationship with nature is fear: nature is dangerous, so we must defend ourselves from it. Over the past several decades, this traditional attitude has been eclipsed, at least partially, by one of concern. The new attitude is: nature is in danger, so we must defend it from ourselves. … we think that we are much more of a threat to nature than nature is to us. Only two or three generations ago it was commonplace to describe progress as the subjugation of nature by man. Today we are more likely to think of progress as freeing nature from the lethal embrace of a recklessly wasteful and polluting humanity. …

In the wake of the ecological revolution, it is impossible to be civil without an active concern for the health of our badly wounded planet.

Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct by P.M. Forni (St. Martin’s Press, 2002); pp.146-147,148

Nov 23 2012

it’s time to be civil (32)

 

 # 22. Accept and give constructive criticism. A good friend will listen to us without judgment, accept the intensity of our feelings, respect our pain, and express concern. A really good friend will, in addition, help us to see our situation in a new way. …

To criticize is a serious business and sometimes an awesome responsibility. Before you speak make sure that your intention is to help with a problem and not to humiliate, manipulate, or exact revenge. Are you sure there is a problem and that you have a sound sense of what it is? Is this the right moment to address it? Are you so upset that it’s probably a good idea to wait? What is the emotional state of the other person? Are there other people around who shouldn’t be privy to the exchange? Finally, consider asking the other person’s permission to broach the delicate subject: ‘I’ve been wondering about something you did. Would you mind if I shared my thoughts with you?’ …

To make your criticism constructive and effective: *Identify an issue, rather than launching an attack on the person. … * Describe what you have observed rather than uttering accusations or engaging in name-calling. … * Show that understand how the other person may feel. … * Suggest a solution if you feel this is the right time to do so. … * Remain calm, kind, and empathic throughout the exchange.

Choosing Civility: The Twenty-Five Rules of Considerate Conduct by P.M. Forni (St. Martin’s Press, 2002); pp.141,142,143