would I wish her back?

Lewis, grieving the death of his wife, Joy:

What sort of lover am I to think so much about my affliction and so much less about hers? Even the insane call, “Come back,” is all for my own sake. I never even raised the question whether such a return , if it were possible, would be good for her. I want her back as an ingredient in the restoration of my past. Could I have wished her anything worse? Having got once through death, to come back and then, at some later date, have all her dying to do over again? They call Stephen the first martyr. Hadn’t Lazarus the rawer deal?

from A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis (as recorded in A Year With C.S. Lewis: Daily Readings From His Classic Works, p.239)

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